Thursday, May 17, 2012

Team Krista #11: THE COIN DIVER

[Redacted]

29 comments:

Dahlia said...

CHILLS from your query. I would read this book in a hot minute. Eve and Jakob sounds like such an awesome team!

Michelle Mason said...

Love this opening and the atmosphere it evokes. So glad we're teammates! Go #TeamKrista!

Noelle Henry said...

I love the time period of this book. Very unusual. And you hooked me with the line, "Some swear that the boy makes rosebushes vanish at night." Great writing. I'd definitely read this book!

Ann Bedichek said...

I love this.

The setting, the characters, the mystery....I so want to read more!

Sarah said...

I adore your opening. The images are perfect, especially "his face, the color of Darjeeling tea steeped a minute too long." Go Team Krista!

Melanie Stanford said...

OOh, I love this! Intrigued on the spot!

Becky Mahoney said...

Such a wonderful, original concept about a fascinating time period, and your writing draws me in right away.

AllieS said...

Although I'm on Team Monica, I do really love your first 250 and have since TWV started!

loritayseastep said...

Love this opening! Great work and go Team Krista!

Ryan said...

I love what you've done with the first 250! You've landed us in a situation of high tension right from the beginning.
Awesome!

Lisa K. said...

Beautifully written and utterly compelling. I was captured at the image of a boy who makes rosebushes vanish at night and reappear in the morning. Go Team Krista!

erinpetti said...

I think the word "lush" is just right, here. Beautiful stuff!

Carla Luna Cullen said...

Love the first page! Especially the closing line "the boy is nothing but a body and hands." It makes me want to read more.

T.L. Bodine said...

Love it! I would eat this right up.

Ben Spendlove said...

Intriguing story and fascinating setting. Good job!

Jennie Bailey said...

I am not a big reader of historical, but if I picked this up at the bookstore, I wouldn't walk out without it. I LOVE this. What a powerful query for an wonderful story. I can't wait to read the entire book!

TYHatch said...

I would love to see more of this - to see how you delve into the historical aspects, and to find out more about your MC.

Good luck!

Becca C. said...

Ooo! That query really ratchets things up, and the opening paragraph of the excerpt has a great hook!

Leigh Ann said...

SHARED TATTOOS? Holy cow. Great concept.

Some beautiful writing in that sample, too. Good luck!!!

April Wall said...

Great melding of a historical and fantastical elements! Good luck!

erica m. chapman said...

Wow you set up some excellent conflict. Totally haunting ;o)

Valerie said...

I love the idea of the shared tattoos and a fortune teller (albeit a pretend one) MC! Great job! Good luck :)

Kimberly Gabriel said...

I love the layers presented in your query. And then ending with them sharing a tatoo? Intriguing. I also love the line about her dress being the color of a blue flame - brilliant. Good luck ;)

Andrea Somberg said...

I vote for you!

Susan Hawk said...

I vote for you!

Taylor Martindale said...

I vote for you! Looking forward to your pages.

Roseanne Wells said...

I vote for you! You had me at Prohibition and police corruption.

Louise Fury said...

I vote for you!

Tara Dairman said...

#11 The Coin Diver

Query:

Overall, this query is nicely written. The part about the tattoos threw me for a loop a little bit, but I assume that you’ve included it because it’s very important to the story. (If it’s not all that important, I’d say you don’t need it—you’ve already set the two MCs up as well entangled here!)

Nitpicks: 2nd paragraph—should “state record” be “state records”? Also, you may want to consider putting “self-defense” before “sixteen,” in the 1st paragraph, since it’s a much better reason to get away with killing someone. =) (Better yet, tell us what the rich guy was trying to do to her that forced her to kill him.)

First page:

Your descriptions are beautiful—I love the comparisons to a gas flame and Darjeeling tea, which really help set the scene and the era. Lovely writing.

But to me, this excerpt feels like it wants to be in first person. Maybe it’s the present tense, or the way the MC’s surroundings are described, but I felt weirdly removed every time she was referred to as “she” or “Eve.” It almost feels like this used to be first person and her name was just subbed in for “I.” One page isn’t enough to really tell, of course, but that was the one thing I repeatedly noticed as I read it. Otherwise, I think it’s very intriguing and beautifully rendered.